Anger Management

If you cut yourself, would you A) put antibacterial cream on it immediately or B) wait until it gets infected then treat it?  I think we can agree that an ounce of prevention is indeed worth a pound of cure.

I love going to retreats or conventions and participating in workshops and small groups.  I took a Meyers/Briggs course twice and both times it was confirmed that I was an ENTP; very analytical, a problem solver, creative and capable of tackling each problem new and fresh every time.  I took an Enneagram too and scored a nine which is called "The Peacemaker."  I once enrolled in an anger management course despite the fact that I couldn't remember the last time I was actually angry but I went in hoping to learn something about myself and gain valuable insights and tools to use in every day life.

My mother was very much a Buddhist.  She had much love and respect for nature, food and people.  I have never seen her get angry although we kids did push her to the point of being perturbed a few times.  When we were belligerent children, she was always quick to defuse our anger and calmly instruct us to analyze our problems and seek solutions rather than fight or fester.  She would ask us how things made us feel and if those feelings had any effect on the desired outcome.  She would often steer us to the concept of impermanence and the destructive and escalating nature of anger.

I remember once while we were walking along the lake shore near our house where there were swallows flying near the surface of the water catching insects.  My mother said that anger is like the reflection of the bird. The reflection is not the bird, it has no control over the bird and the reflection is not permanent.  The only danger is if the bird gets too close to the reflection or, as I fantasized, a large mouth bass burst forth from the water surface and catch the bird in its mouth.  She taught me to let go of  anger just as easy as it is for the bird to fly away from its reflection, which would in turn disappear.  The reflection had no power unless the bird got too close to it.  That was one of many valuable lessons she imparted to me.  She also said that anger is like a hot coal you hold with the intention of throwing it at someone, but, you are the one who gets burned.

I don't know if I took anger management too seriously or if I was not serious enough.  Every time the instructor gave us a situation to apply our anger management skills to, I always had an answer which would diffuse the narrative immediately. For instance, one of my scenarios was that I was about to pull in to a parking spot in a hospital parking lot and someone pulled up and took the spot which I was intending to occupy. I explained,
"I always park at the far end of the parking lot where there are always empty spaces.  That way my car is safe and I get exercise walking in.  That situation would never happen to me."
The instructor then said,
"The parking lot is full and there is only one space left."
I replied,
"Kudos to the person who was quicker than I.  I don't own the spot and since I always allot extra time in all my travels so I can wait patiently for another spot to open."
She said,
"You have an injured relative in the car."
"I would drive up to the ER entrance and if it was so bad that we had to go to the ER we would be arriving by ambulance."
I wasn't trying to be difficult, just honest.

This went on time and again and none of the scenarios she presented were of any concern to me. What if someone cut me off on the highway, she asked?
"Maybe they didn't know I was there.  I could have been in their blind spot.  Maybe they are a bad driver so I would put distance between us to protect them, me and peripheral drivers."
On and on  it went.  The instructor even got angry at me a few times.

The instructor told us how she was once speeding down a highway and was cut off by a car which pulled out in front of her so she flashed her lights at him and laid on the horn.  The car in front of her slammed on his brakes in retaliation.  The road divided into two lanes at the stop light up ahead and the guy in front of her was turning right and she was going straight.  Side by side they yelled at each other and exchanged middle fingers.  When the light turned green and she moved forward and the guy originally intent upon turning right moved into her lane behind her and proceeded to follow her.  This is where she employed her anger management skills which she was trying to impart to us.  She took a deep breath, unclenched her fists, recognized her anger and made a u-turn to lose him in an attempt to avoid further conflict.  Frankly, I would not have laid on the horn in the first place and let bygones be bygones.  The above scenario would never have happened and we both would have ignorantly and calmly gone on our separate ways.

In most cases concerning conflict with other people, my mother always said this quote, "Forgive them for they know not what they are doing." That is very true.  The guy in the aforementioned story probably didn't intend to cut the instructor off.  He simply and quickly saw an opening and took it.  He misjudged her speed, and, if she wasn't speeding in the first place, his spacial judgement probably would have been accurate, safe and uneventful.

When we get angry at someone who makes a mistake or does something which we feel hurts us, if we hold it against them, we mostly hurt ourselves and our relationship with them.   I value relationships more than differences and strive to heal, accommodate and do no harm.  Although I do admit that at times I am a master at the art of passive aggressiveness but that is fodder for another blog.  If someone is angry at me and there is nothing I can fix, I just let them have their anger.

At the end of the course, the instructor gave us a written assessment of our participation.  Mine simply said,  "Malcolm has anger issues."

THAT, made me downright . . . giddy.  My mother did not have a PhD and she knew so much more than this instructor.  My mother also used to say "When you are a hammer, everything looks like a nail."  I forgive the instructor for her "protests too much" assessment and for being a hammer.  It is not her fault she was not raised to deal with anger prevention until it presented itself and she needed to employ anger management.

So, the next time you cut yourself will you A) put antibacterial cream on it immediately or B) wait until it gets infected then treat it?  I think we can agree that an ounce of prevention is indeed worth a pound of cure.

Christmas Eve

Algonquin Mountain

Algonquin mountain, with its lesser neighbors, Wright, Boundary and Iroquois.  These pictures were taken from Mount Colden.

Boellmann Toccata

The Toccata from Suite Gothique, Op. 25 composed by Léon Boëllmann in 1895 and played here by malcolm kogut.

Picnic

From the Archives:  Sunday School Picnic of the First Presbyterian Church of Gloversville, NY held at Sacandaga Park, June 30, 1912.  Note the pig and donkey pulling the cart.

Kaaterskill Falls

Swimming in the pool of the first drop at Kaaterskill Falls in the Catskills of NY.

Sandy Hook Elementary in Newtown, CT

Amid the pain, suffering, loss and senselessness of the recent school shooting, there has been overwhelming and beautiful expressions of care and support toward Newtown, the victims and their families.  The Newtown community and nation are coming together in prayer, love and compassion (with + suffering).   The emotions range from shock, disbelief, sadness, fear and anger.   Although it may not be a popular recognition, there are also others victims in this tragedy.  They are collateral damage who  are also suffering pain, loss, shame and fear.  They are a mother, a son, a brother, a father; the Lanza family. 

A quick perusal of any of the media sites, Twitter or Facebook, will yield in the comment sections significant hate and demonization for the family of and for Adam Lanza.  “Rot in Hell,” “Sicko,” and “Monster” are some of the more calm names he has been called.   Some of the horrible things that “good” people would like to do to him are very disturbing.

It has been widely reported that Adam Lanza was suffering with mental turmoil and that he had Aspergers and Personality Disorder.  Many other mass killers have been reported to have mental abnormalities, too.  Where do people with and such destructive behavior come from?  Is it genetic?  A chemical imbalance?  Is it brought on by environment?  Their social upbringing?  How they were parented? 

Some readers are demanding a registry for people with Aspergers  much like the sex offender registry.  That way, people think, they can keep an eye on them and know where they live and what they are doing but registries don’t work.  If someone is going to do something, they’re going to do it.  A registry for people with mental disorders will only make it difficult for them to find employment, housing and further augment their social death making them feel even more helpless and hopeless.  Society can’t register away its fears.  We already have a gun registry, background checks were completed, the school was locked and yet the tragedy occurred anyway. 

I do know though, that what is done to us creates and shapes us.  For every action there is an opposite and equal reaction.  Adam was reportedly a quiet, socially awkward, largely ignored and avoided youth.  We will never know if things would be different today if his peers and friends went out of their way to include, welcome and help him to integrate into their circles and cliques,  resolutely attempting to ameliorate him of his social fears and embarrassments. 

Social isolation is dangerous.  When someone commits a crime and we arrest them and punish them, do you think that makes them love society more?  We send them to prison where they seethe and fester about the loss of their freedom, then when they get out no one will give them a job, they are abandoned by friends and family, ostracized in the papers, put on registries or have permanent records they can never escape from.  Is it any wonder that some of these people have to resort to more crime in order to survive or worse—snap when pushed too far?  Oscar Wilde said that every saint had a past and every sinner had a future.  Did anyone take the time to help Adam envision a future? 

That's why I struggle with the whole notion of calling someone the “good guy” or the “bad guy” because I think we all have potential to do good things and all have the potential to do bad things.   What happened to Adam to make him do what he did and what could society have added to his lonely life to make those actions completely unthinkable to him?  I’m not blaming society, but, we don’t have to live like this.  There is so much darkness in this world and we can’t escape that dark because it will always be there.  It is up to us to be the light for one another.  We can’t do that if we step into the abyss and remain there.  We need to choose whether to be part of the problem or the solution.

A friend of mine is a commercial airline pilot.  He said that if a pilot has a record or mental health issues, their license will be revoked.   I’d much rather be flying with a pilot getting treatment for his issues than one who is not because he is afraid of losing his job if he seeks help.

The hate speech on the social media sites such as Facebook is shocking and quite frankly terrifying.  Sadly, these people don’t realize that their art of the invective makes them, too, monsters.  Stalkers of a different sort.  Their venom is not part of the solution but is only seeding the problem.  Hate begets hate and just as the criminal hates society for punishing him, as an animal backed into a corner will attack, or someone who thinks society has abandoned them, they can snap, any of those people can react equally and opposite.  If someone says “I can forgive, but I cannot forget,” that is only another way of saying, I will not forgive. Forgiveness ought to be like a cancelled note - torn in two, and burned up, so that it never can be shown against one ever again.  It is easy to say we forgive Adam but will we do anything to ensure that people with psychological disorders can receive the proper medical treatment?  Are we doing anything in our schools to cultivate loving kindness instead of allowing playground ostrasization?

Were you ever driving down the highway and accidentally cut someone off, then they get mad, flip you the bird, pass you, then slam on their brakes?  This action only gets you mad, then you speed up, flash your lights, lay on the horn or flip them the bird and the cycle of road rage continues.   Have you ever stopped to take notice of what anger felt like?  It is awful.  You can’t think straight, you are consumed, it burns you up, your palms sweat and clench, your heart races and there is nothing productive that comes out of it.  Why would someone allow themselves to feel that way?

When you forgive, you set someone free: Yourself.  As the great Buddha said, “Holding onto anger is like grasping a hot coal with the intent of throwing it at someone else; but you are the one who gets burned.”  Jesus, a convicted felon himself,  hung out with criminals and prostitutes.  While on the cross, it wasn’t an honest man he took to paradise with him that day.  It was another  criminal.  What can we learn from that?  What are we doing to ourselves, society and our children’s future when we allow hate and punishment rather than forgiveness and restorative justice?

I was watching a movie about Merlin where King Arthur sentenced an enemy of Camelot to death.  It was the lover of one of his round table knights who in turn pleaded with the king to spare his lover’s life.  Arthur refused because it was the law.  This powerful and angry knight then left Camelot and joined forces against King Arthur.  Arthur’s actions had reactions; hate begets hate, what is done to us creates us.  It all could have been prevented with mercy and compassion and now Arthur’s greatest ally has become his enemy.

In Sandy Hook there are no winners but the ratings hungry media who descend on any person and any angle to get any story and any photo op; the social media websites win as they encourage people to like and tag and share and spew; the politicians who will use this tragedy to look good, compassionate and caring will win as they let you know they are forging new legislation so that this never happens again—and BTW, vote for them next November.  This is also the opportunity for people with ulterior motives to hijack the event for their personal and lucrative cause such as the anti-gun or pro-gun movements, background check companies, security companies, registries and law enforcement grants.

Astrologically, as the age of Pieces draws to an end, we are entering the new age of Aquarius.  Aquarius is the age of enlightenment, the age of the “water bearer.”  Water is life.  I can think of a better way to enter the age of enlightenment than from the wellspring of forgiveness, love, compassion, patience and wisdom.   Those qualities are what many people in our society thirst for.  Why can’t we give it to them before they snap?

 In “The Art of Forgiveness, Loving Kindness, and Peace,” Jack Kornfield describes an African forgiveness ritual: "In the Babemba tribe of South Africa, when a person acts irresponsibly or unjustly, he is placed in the center of the village, alone and unfettered. All work ceases, and every man, woman, and child in the village gathers in a large circle around the accused individual. Then each person in the tribe speaks to the accused, one at a time, each recalling the good things the person in the center of the circle has done in his lifetime. Every incident, every experience that can be recalled with any detail and accuracy, is recounted. All his positive attributes, good deeds, strengths, and kindnesses are recited carefully and at length. This tribal ceremony often lasts for several days. At the end, the tribal circle is broken, a joyous celebration takes place, and the person is symbolically and literally welcomed back into the tribe."

Maybe if the positive attributes, good deeds, strengths, and kindnesses are also recited carefully and at length to the lonely, lost, forsaken, abandoned and confused, tragedies such as Sandy Hook will never happen again, in the age of enlightenment.