Know Anyone Going Through A Rough Time?

Are they angry?  Depressed?  Worried?  Did their doctor get them addicted to pain killers?  Alcoholic?  Arrested?  Lose someone they love?  Share with them this phone number and web address to the National Suicide Prevention Lifeline.  They are open 24 hours a day, 7 days a week and are there to listen.
1 (800) 273-8255.  Website: www.suicidepreventionlifeline.org

Over 30,000 people in the United States die by suicide every year which means someone dies by suicide about every 18 minutes in the U.S. An attempt is estimated to be made once every minute.

Share this information.  Print out the NSPL card and leave it in public places such as libraries, work, school, churches, stores.  If you go to church, ask your pastor to publish the hotline number in the church bulletin or newsletter.  Churches are notorious for hating gays, women and sinners and if you have any of them secretly hiding among the "good" people, they may be suffering emotionally and spiritually.  Suicide is the third leading cause of death among those 15-24 years old so churches need to be more careful the things they say for, children will listen.

Explanation of the Terrorism Video

Americans think that terrorism started in this country on September 11th, it didn't.  It has existed for certain classes and groups of people since we first came to this hemisphere.

The first act of terrorism began with Christopher Columbus who sought to find a faster route from Spain to China.  Instead he landed on the shore of Hispaniola.  Today we call that island the Dominican Republic and Haiti.  Do they still teach in school that he landed on Plymouth Rock?  Your tax dollars at work.

The indigenous people of Hispaniola were the Arawaks whom Columbus and his men raped, murdered and took as slaves.  In his ship's log he thanked and praised God for the gift of human chattel.  He filled his ship's hulls with several hundred Arawak men and took them back to Spain as slaves.  Most did not survive.  Who knew you had to feed them?  He then lied to the Queen, telling her that there was so much gold there (there was none) that he needed dozens more ships. 

When he returned, the Arawaks poisoned their children and committed mass suicide so as not to be raped, murdered and taken as slaves by Columbus and his Christian men.  Hundreds of thousands of native Arawaks died at the hands of Christopher.  Happy Columbus Day.

When more Europeans began to colonize the entire east coast of the country, they encountered other Native American Nations such as the Iroquois, Mohawk, Algonquin, Seneca and many more.  After the white man launched political campaigns to take Native American land, displace the natives and murder them (because they fought back), we pushed westward because it was our God ordained destiny.  Today, the remnants of those aborigine nations live on reservations and we're trying to take those lands, too.  We are starting by creating insidious laws which they must abide by.

When the Puritans came to North America to escape religious persecution, what did they do?  They persecuted other people because of their religion.  They also created witch hunts.  These were successful campaigns because the general population was told that witches abducted, raped, murdered and ate small children.  This was the same tactic Adolph Hitler used to turn his followers against the Jews.  Hitler wrote in Mein Kampf, "The state must declare the child to be the most precious treasure of the people. As long as the government is perceived as working for the benefit of the children, the people will happily endure almost any curtailment of liberty and almost any deprivation."   Most of our fairy tales and nursery rhymes were created around the myth of children being abducted such as Little Red Riding-hood, Hansel and Gretel, the Pied Piper, Snow White, etcetera.

Then there was the enslavement of the Africans.  After their emancipation, Lincoln's second phase was to repatriate all the blacks back to Africa or to off shore islands.  He first needed to set them free because he couldn't repatriate them if they were property.  He freed them but before he could sign the repatriation act to remove the newly freed from the country, he was assasinated and the African-Americans stayed.  African-Americans should celebrate Lincoln not because he set them free, but that he was assasinated before he could eradicate them.  If outright hate and prejudice wasn't bad enough, our entertainment, music and movie industry further perpetuated stereotypes and inequality.

After prohibition failed, many poor people turned to marijuana since they couldn't afford the illegal hooch.  Marijuana was found to be an excellent source of pain relief and even a cure for alcoholism.  Harry Anslinger made it his mission to eradicate marijuana by spreading lies about its efficacy.  Although the lies were disproved by the La Guardia Report, Anslinger used racism to convince society that marijuana was the devil's drug.  He said that when white girls smoke muggles, it results in them seeking sexual relations with black men and the result would be pregnancy and syphilis.  Marijuana causes sane people to go mad and commit murder.  All the lies must be true because Anslinger had the financial support of pharmaceutical companies, the lumber and paper industry, the tobacco industry, the brewery's and the Hearst empire which published Anslingers tales of rabid, foaming at the mouth hysteria in all their papers. 

Despite none of the lies about this miracle herb being true, the fear and confusion about it continues to exist today.  Many prescription drugs come with horrible side effects including difficulty breathing, heart problems, lung problems, liver problems, blood disorders, thoughts of suicide and even death.  Many prescription drugs are also addictive and it is easy to overdose on them.  In case you overdose on Tylenol, Advil, Sudafed, Motrin, Codein or Aspirin, contact Poison Control immediately.  In case you overdose on marijuana, contact Domino's Pizza.  Unlike alcoholics, I've never seen a person who was high on marijuana beat his wife and children.  The only benefit from the marijuana scare Anslinger created is that it filled our jails and prisons which also employ hundreds of thousands of people in every state.

The hatred for homosexuality fueled by religion has been devastating to our country.  Homosexuality and masturbation were considered sinful because those acts did not produce offspring at a time when the Christian population needed to outnumber the Muslim population (Crusades).  Also, people died in their forties so it was imperative that we marry off our 13 year old children as soon as they hit puberty so they could pump out as many children as possible.  Population is no longer an issue so these "sins" are no longer threats to society, but we forgot why we made them sins.   We are still in conflict today  with the Muslim religion though.  Thanks Pope Urban II and the Holy Roman Catholic Church.  You made genocide holy and gave us wars to last for centuries.

I used to volunteer answering both a suicide hotline and the 211 line.  Far too many gay teenagers would call the suicide hotline not because of their sexuality but because of society's response to them.  I mean, even God hates them.   Now when our new Pope tried to get the message out that even homosexuals are welcome in the church, the Synod said no, they are not welcome.  How ironic, the Catholic church is a magnet to gay artists, musicians, sculptors, writers and clergy.  I guess the Vatican should purge its churches and museums of the works of Da Vinci and Michelangelo because they were gay. 

While answering the 211 line, I would get calls from women and kids who were being physically abused, homeless people without a place to go, hungry families without enough food, people without insurance and who couldn't afford medical care, people with insurance but were now addicted to prescription drugs and they often feel that suicide is their only escape.

I then went on to volunteer at a homeless shelter where I discovered that many of the men there have arrest records.  The reason they can't get jobs is that little box ubiquitous to all applications.  Once they check yes on that box, HR disqualifies them as a candidate.  Now, that is illegal in this country and if you were to ask an HR person if they acted out of prejudice  they would say - prove it.  Many will go so far as to drag an undesirable candidate through the process just to give the outward appearance that they don't discriminate.  Ultimately, that applicant won't be qualified or may fail the Meyers-Briggs test or some such excuse.

Now, I love the church but, before you go to church on Sunday, consider the words of St. Vincent de Paul.  He wrote: "If a needy person requires medicine or other help during your prayer time, do whatever has to be done with peace of mind. Offer that deed to God as your prayer. Do not become upset or feel guilty because you use your prayer time to serve the poor. God is not neglected if you leave him for real service. You should prefer the service of the poor to making your prayer. For, it is not enough to love God, if, your neighbor does not also love God."

Fold your hands in a praying position. These are the hands you use to touch the ones you love, hold the things you treasure, perform the constant countless motions of your living. For now, these hands do nothing, they are not useful held this way, kept by each other from all movement of living and serving. Pressed to each other, there is no space for holding anything or anyone. For the moment these hands are empty and still.  Jon Stewart once said, "Prayer is the least thing you can do for someone while still getting to grandstand like you are actually doing something."

So, vote this November.  Not to vote is to vote.  Then call the politicians and tell them why you did or did not vote for them.  GET OFF YOUR BUTT AND DO IT.  Then get out into your community and help people.  After you do that, go to church and pray over it.  If your social convictions don't align with your church institution's teachings or acts of terrorism, find another church and let them know why you are leaving.  Not to act is to act.  Keep in mind, no agnostic ever burned anyone at the stake or tortured a pagan, a heretic, or an unbeliever.   Has your church?  Government?  Have they made amends? 

Have You Been Thinking About Suicide Today?

The whole world is in pain over the completed suicide of Robin Williams.  Robin was very sick and despite reaching out for help countless times, he wasn't able to find the help he needed.  I'd like to talk about suicide and some thoughts about it.

Have you ever been dumped by someone and found solace in a torchy break-up song?  Breaking up with someone can hurt so much that you think no one else could possibly understand how you feel.  But break-up  songs understand, they feel your pain, they say exactly what you are thinking and feeling, they don't say the wrong things and they comfort you because they resonate with you. 

In Dusty Springfield's song "You Don't Have To Say You Love Me" she desperately sings;
Don't you see that now you've gone
And I'm left here on my own
And that I have to follow you
And beg you to come home

You don't have to say you love me
Just be close at hand
You don't have to stay forever
I will understand

Phil Collins sings in "Take A Look At Me Now;"
So take a look at me now, oh there's just an empty space
And there's nothing left here to remind me,
just the memory of your face
Ooh take a look at me now, well there's just an empty space
And you coming back to me is against all odds and that's what I've got to face

I wish I could just make you turn around,
turn around and see me cry
There's so much I need to say to you,
so many reasons why
You're the only one who really knew me at all

Who hasn't felt those feelings over a love lost?  If we have, how many of us have found a comfort in those songs and listened to them over and over simply because they explored our feelings?

Henri Nouwen once said, "The friend who can be silent with us in a moment of despair or confusion, who can stay with us in an hour of grief and bereavement, who can tolerate not knowing... not healing, not curing... that is a friend who cares."

When someone is thinking about suicide, chances are they want to talk about it, about their feelings, about their pain.  They just don't know how to start the conversation and most certainly, many of us don't know how to, either.  It is very easy to say the wrong thing and many people do.

Every fifteen minutes, someone in this country completes suicide.  Many have given warning signals and have even reached out for help but all too often the people they reached out to may not have been listening.  It's not their fault, they just don't know how to listen or are uncomfortable with the topic.

We should never be afraid to talk about suicide because the person thinking about it isn't and we need to engage them and encourage them to talk.   Getting them to talk means listening to them.  Re-read the Henri Nouwen quote.  That is how you listen, by not talking. 

For example, if someone is depressed because they lost their job, here are some things NOT to say: You'll find another one;  I lost a job once; You're better off not working for them; I know someone who is hiring; I'm sorry; Get over it; I know exactly how you feel; it's only a job; You'll be able to collect unemployment now; How dare they, you should write them a nasty letter; What did you do wrong?

Instead, with careful listening, like a good torch song, you should steer them into their pain where they can explore that pain.  You can achieve this by asking questions.  These questions will get them to talk about their pain and like a good torch song, help them to understand their own feelings and heal. 

So someone tells us that they lost their job.  You can ask, "How have you been dealing with that?"  An open ended question such as that will get them to talk further about how they are feeling.  Again talking about their issue is for them, not you.  They may pause and the silence may be uncomfortable for many of us but resist the urge to fill the uncomfortable silence.  Re-read Henri Nouwen's quote.  In that silence, they may be thinking and feeling and working through how they are feeling and your discomfort and urge to fill in the silence could destroy all that.  Be patient and silent and present. 

If they are not responding, here are some other questions you may ask:
What is most difficult about losing your job?
Tell me what happened.
Tell me more about that.
What is it you want from your job?
How do you feel about what happened? 
Do you feel comfortable talking to me about this?
Have you told anyone about how you are feeling?
What do you think you can do?
What may stand in your way?

These kinds of questions establish rapport and define the problem.  Your job is to guide them or steer them into the pain.  If you can't find a question to ask, there are statements you can make which may spur their thoughts and conversation:
Say more about what happened.
It sounds like you are going through a difficult time.
I can see why you feel that way.
Take your time, I'm here to listen and support you.

After exploring feelings, don't be afraid to ask the suicide question.  If they are not thinking about suicide, there is no harm done.  If they are, chances are they will be willing to talk about it.  This is very important because if they are willing to talk about it, it is because they are ambivalent and your talk, honesty and presence can actually save their life.

Go ahead and ask questions like:
Have you been thinking about suicide?
Do you have a plan?
Do you know how you would do it?
Do you have the means to act on your plan?
Do you have a time set for doing this?

If they answer "yes" to any of those questions, help is critical.  If you can get them to give you or lock away the means (drugs, gun, knife, rope) that is what is called a protective factor.  The point is to get them through the moment.  If you can get them to live another day, tomorrow they may feel different. 

While answering a local suicide hotline, I discerned that the caller was safe for the night because she locked her gun in a box and put it in the basement.  I made her promise to call me tomorrow to let me know how she was doing.  She did.  She told me the only reason she didn't go back down into the basement to retrieve her gun and kill herself was because she promised to call me back the next day and she wanted to keep that promise.  At the very least, I got her through the moment and to live another day.  While speaking with her the next day she made a comment to her cat which jumped on her lap.  I asked her what would happen to her cat if she were not around anymore and she paused for a moment and said, "I don't know.  I could never leave my cat alone."  The cat was another protective factor.  A very powerful one.  She had a reason to live.

Before leaving someone, we need to make sure they will be safe.  We can achieve this by exploring their protective factors and distracting activities.  Getting someone to prepare a meal, go shopping, take their dog for a walk, cuddle with their cat, take a shower, take a nap, draw, write, watch TV or exercise, we are giving them a plan which can be enough to get them through the day.  

"The friend who can be silent with us in a moment of despair or confusion, who can stay with us in an hour of grief and bereavement, who can tolerate not knowing... not healing, not curing... that is a friend who cares."
-Henri Nouwen.

Gaga Over The Church

While answering the phones for a suicide hotline, not a day would go by that I didn't receive one to six calls from suicidal teens, many of them citing sexual orientation as the source of their pain, confusion and suffering.

Homosexuality is no longer an issue in mainstream society.  Other than the church, most people are accepting and blind to the issue.  It is even accepted among teens themselves.  On a recent trip to Provincetown, MA, a town known to be a haven for homosexual people, half the tourists were breeders and many of them brought their small children with them.  Homosexuality wasn't even something that needed to be tolerated, it just was.  Indeed, within this small town, the lion lays down with the lamb and the child plays at the den of the cobra.  I just wasn't sure who the lions or lambs were.  It didn't matter.  Persecuted and persecutors, no more.

Some of my gay teen callers are sometimes threatened and bullied in school and it is usually because they are in the closet and the bullies are trying to elicit a response from them.  For the kid who is openly gay, a bully can't hold anything over them and tends to leave them alone. The kid who is out also tends to have support from other kids who can see the value in them and appreciate their honesty.  It has been my lifetime observation that in five or ten years, homophobic bullies eventually come out of the closet themselves as their bullying was really the exploration of their own sexuality and boundaries.  They are more to be pitied than censured.

Predominately, having found acceptance by their peers, my gay callers are more alienated by their parents or by the teachings of the church than peers.  Since the Westboro Church has taught us that God hates, and He hates gays most of all, it is no wonder that a teen struggling with his identity can feel alone, abandoned, forgotten, hated and ostracized.  If even God hates you, who could be for you?

Back in biblical days, the life expectancy of an adult was thirty or forty years of age and further complicating matters, most children died before their tenth birth-date due to disease or illness.  If there was a famine, food was given to adults before being given to a child because the chance of a child making it to adulthood was slim and feeding them was considered to be a waste of resources. 

Anyone who partook in homosexual practices or committed "the sin of Onan" (masturbation), was participating in an act which wasted seed.  Those activities did not produce offspring and in those days, for the good of the tribe or community, it was important for procreation to take precedent over self pleasure.  It was also common practice for thirteen year old girls to be sold into marriage as soon as they hit puberty, in an effort for them to produce as many children as possible before they died at the ripe old age of thirty.  A perfect example of this practice is Joseph who was about forty and Mary who was thirteen.

The church and society have long forgotten why homosexuality and masturbation was frowned upon but they still hold blindly on to those archaic prejudices today. According to the National Alliance on Mental Illness, nearly 5000 teens commit suicide each year and approximately 2 million U.S. teens attempt suicide. 

Enter Lady Gaga (Stefani Joanne Angelina Germanotta).  She is a marketing genius for using gimmicks, controversy and over the top behavior and costumes to build an estimated net worth of $190 million.  What she does with those millions of dollars speaks volumes.  Being the product of a Catholic school education, she knows the pain and anguish of being different, even in a Roman Catholic school setting - where she herself was bullied and teased.  Because of the pain the church has inflicted upon her in her youth, the church has become a target in her her music and marketing genius.

Together with her mom, Lady Gaga created a foundation called "Born This Way" which is a non-profit organization founded in 2011.  It has the support of Harvard University, the Berkman Center for Internet & Society, the John D. and Catherine T. MacArthur Foundation and the California Endowment.  In September of 2012 Gaga was awarded the LennonOno Grant For Peace from Yoko Ono for her work with the foundation actively campaigning on pro-tolerance and peace issues.

The foundation aims to create a "braver, kinder world" for youth, to create safe-spaces, promote the learning of life skills, and provide opportunities to improve their local communities.  Some priorities of the organization are teen suicide, bullying, homosexuality and school violence.

It appears that Lady Gaga has done much to save the lives of many teenagers struggling with sexual identity while the institutional church appears to be unconcerned for the loss of many.  The score is Gaga: one; the institutional church: zero. 

Lady Gaga teaches us the very valuable lesson that even the most ardent Puritan can learn, that acceptance does not make "wrong" right, it only makes what was "wrong," precious.  Another lesson Gaga teaches us is that oppression breeds the power to oppose it and oppose it she has.  She has used the church's own intolerance to challenge it to grow.  Don't hate her when she blasts the church.  Instead, ask why she is blasting the church.  Maybe it is time for the church to fix something.

Ultimately, who cares what a hater thinks.  I often try to get my callers to discover that the wrong person they'll never mean anything.  To the right person, they'll mean everything.  Thank you Lady Gaga for making my job answering the suicide hotline much easier.  To any church of intolerance, I'll pray for you. 

There are many churches who are gay accepting and they proudly wave the rainbow flag but, the gay community doesn't want their own church.  They just want to be part of everyday society.  We don't see signs at restaurants advertising "Blacks welcome here" or, "Woman may use front entrance."  Why do we need flags and signs advertising acceptance?  It should just be.  Isn't "Come, all are welcome," enough?

National Suicide Prevention Lifeline (NSPL)
Call 24/7
1-800-273-8255

"To understand blue, first you have to understand yellow and orange.  In other words, in order to really understand anything you have to understand its opposite."
-Vincent Van Gogh

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=quXq65p7YD4

Marijuana: The Devil Drug

David Juaire and his wife Christina Stewart were recently charged with criminal possession of marijuana in the third degree.  They were growing it in their basement.  Have you ever wondered why this sort of thing happens?  Here is a quote:

"Most marijuana smokers are Negroes, Hispanics, jazz musicians, and entertainers. Their satanic music is driven by marijuana, and marijuana smoking by white women makes them want to seek sexual relations with Negroes, entertainers, and others. It is a drug that causes insanity, criminality, and death — the most violence-causing drug in the history of mankind."
-Harry Anslinger.

That quote must be true because a politician said it and laws were created because of what he said.  There is a saying, "If you are a hammer, everything looks like a nail."   Good old Harry served on the Bureau of Prohibition.  Since Prohibition caused more crime than it deterred and the government lost a lot of money in tax revenue,  prohibition was lifted.   Anslinger was appointed as the first commissioner of the U.S. Treasury Department's Federal Bureau of Narcotics.  What the Treasury Department has to do with drugs, I don't . . . oh, alcohol and tobacco are big business and therefore taxable.  Marijuana can be home grown and thus, is not taxable. 

The war on drugs began when Anslinger wanted to make a name for himself and like many politicians,  he made up "facts" about marijuana which were later debunked in the La Guardia Report.  During the Prohibition, poor people who couldn't buy what Capone and other mobsters were selling, turned to marijuana.  They could easily grow it themselves.  After the Prohibition was lifted, marijuana smokers continued to use it because it was cheap, non addictive and didn't cause hangovers or intoxication.  Since marijuana use was cutting into alcohol and tobacco profits, Congress made it illegal.  Anslinger simply made up lies about marijuana to get congress and the sheep of society to follow along with his plan.  Many of those lies and false beliefs exist today.

Now that Colorado has legalized marijuana, have their death rates from automobile accidents  climbed? And crime, rape, murder and burglary, have those skyrocketed as Anslinger would have predicted? 

According to the National Highway and Traffic Safety Administration Statistics the alcohol-related deaths in the US in  2007 were 15,387.  Here are the Annual Causes of Death in the United States in the year 2010:
Tobacco : 435,000
Alcohol : 85,000
Prescription Drugs : 32,000
Suicide: 30,622
Sexual Fetishes : 20,000
All illegal drug use (excluding marijuana) : 17,000
Aspirin : 7,600
Lack of Health Insurance 44,789
Poisoning 41,592
Firearm Injuries 31,347
Homicide 16,799
Human Immunodeficiency Virus (HIV) 9,406
Viral hepatitis 7,694
Marijuana : 0
http://drugwarfacts.org/cms/?q=node/30

As I look over that list, I can't help but wonder how many of those deaths could have been prevented had the victim been able to use marijuana for the treatment of whatever was ailing them.  While answering a suicide hotline, many of my callers are suffering from prescription drug addictions and the withdrawal is unbearable to them.

Facts:
Over 31% of the US population aged 12 and older are estimated to have used marijuana.

Many people die from alcohol use. Nobody dies from marijuana use. The U.S. Centers for Disease Control and Prevention (CDC) does not even have a category for deaths caused by the use of marijuana since it is so insignificant.

People die from alcohol and drug overdoses. There has never been a fatal marijuana overdose.

The health-related costs associated with alcohol use far exceed those for marijuana use.

Alcohol use damages the brain. Marijuana use does not. Despite the myths we've heard throughout our lives about marijuana killing brain cells, it turns out that a growing number of studies seem to indicate that marijuana actually has neuroprotective properties. This means that it works to protect brain cells from harm - after around the age of 21, after the brain has fully formed.

According to the La Guardia Report which was commissioned to answer the claims of Anslinger:
Alcohol use is linked to cancer. Marijuana use is not.
Alcohol is addictive.  Marijuana is not.
Alcohol use increases the risk of injury to the consumer. Marijuana use does not.
Alcohol use contributes to aggressive and violent behavior. Marijuana use does not.
Alcohol use is a major factor in violent crimes. Marijuana use is not.
Alcohol use contributes to the likelihood of domestic abuse and sexual assault. Marijuana use does not.
   
It is a shame that the Draconian Congressional laws behind this benign drug have put so many people in prison and jail.  Marijuana arrests have rendered  people unemployable because of their "criminal" records.  It has sentenced so many children of these convicted "criminals" as collateral damage and has sucked dry our social services programs because these "criminals" can't sustain themselves nor their families.  Incarceration of these non-violent offenders costs the tax payers about $30,000 per year per offender.

Congress, in one fell swoop, can legalize marijuana across the country, release all the non-violent pot smoking offenders from prisons and jails, expunge their records and allow people to use medical marijuana for addictions, mental health issues and pain relief.

Sure, this will cut into the tax revenue yielding from alcohol, tobacco and prescription drugs, but not that much.  The users of those products are addicted and will always be around to squander their pay checks in service to their addictions.  The one thing that can save them from their addictions is, well, marijuana.

As people use tobacco less, consume less alcohol and the misuse of prescription drugs diminishes, the less fatalities we will have.  Less people will be going to hospitals and draining our healthcare programs, less people will be suffering from the side effects of prescription pain medication, less people will be in prison.  In essence, there will be a lot less people in the position of being a burden to society.

The solution is so simple and staring us right in the face.  Congress needs only to listen to facts and statistics, not the lobbyists  and their cherry pickers.  Every day I read in the paper that someone is getting arrested for possession.  Why are they being arrested?  Because it is against the law?  Why is it illegal in the first place?   Oh, because of Harry:

"How many murders, suicides, robberies, criminal assaults, holdups, burglaries and deeds of maniacal insanity it causes each year, especially among the young, can only be conjectured...No one knows, when he places a marijuana cigarette to his lips, whether he will become a joyous reveller in a musical heaven, a mad insensate, a calm philosopher, or a murderer... "
-Harry Anslinger.

Suicide

A library recently asked me to present a workshop about being a volunteer answering a suicide hotline.  There were almost 50 people in attendance ranging in age, race, economic diversity and motive for being there.  I transcribed some of the questions people asked of me.

Why did you decide to answer a suicide hotline?  Having been raised in a private rest home for the elderly, which my parents ran out of our 19 room house, caring for and helping people has always been part of who I am, it's in my DNA.  I spent 25 years volunteering at the Stratton VA hospital and since I wasn't doing that anymore, I wanted to find another way to reach out to people who were in pain.  I also volunteered at a homeless shelter.

How many volunteers were there answering the lines?  There were at the most, five us us who were paid during the day and at night there was usually only one volunteer on duty.  There were about thirty volunteers in total.  We were open from nine in the morning to ten at night.   Now that the center has lost their funding, the lines are only open a few hours each day. 

What happens if you were on the phone with someone and your shift was over?  We all took a pledge that the caller would come first and if we were on the phone with them at the time of closing, we would remain there to finish the call for as long as it took.  I was covering for a volunteer one evening and a call came in minutes before ten.  It was a long call.  After hanging up and writing out my report, it was well after midnight. 

What was the longest call you've had?  Calls can range from five minutes to two hours.  There are many variables.   My longest call was about an hour and a half.  We also had an internet chat line.   One time my supervisor was chatting with a person for two hours when she had to leave.  She discreetly passed the chat off to another staff member who chatted with the person online for another two hours when she had to begin a training class for new volunteers.  I was about to leave and she asked me to stay and continue the chat.  I was there for about two hours when the person finally decided to end the chat because they felt that they were going to be okay.  That was a difficult chat to take because I had to read the entire chat log and continue the current conversation at the same time.  That sort of thing rarely happens. 

What kind of people were the volunteers and what was their motive for doing that kind of work?  There were many reasons people answered the phones.  Some volunteers knew someone or had a family member complete suicide so they wanted to answer the phones to help others and, to honor the memory of their loved one.  One volunteer's son completed suicide so as a pseudonym she took on the feminine version of her son's name in remembrance of him.  Others where college students looking to get something impressive on their resumé.  They usually didn't stay long.  Some were retired people looking to do something to keep busy or give back.  Some were people who were unemployed hoping that if they could prove themselves, they may get hired if an opening presented itself.  One woman was arrested for drugs and prostitution and was required to perform community service so she chose this.  Regardless of motivation, everyone found it rewarding on many levels and most of us cared deeply for the callers.  There was only one person I couldn't figure out.  He used to surf the internet during calls and grumbled when a call came in.  We were both given the task of verifying referrals and in one day I had called over a 100 people and he called about 25.  He said it was because he got a lot of calls but I checked his call log, plus, I was first in the queue that day. He kept an iPad discreetly tucked into his employee handbook and had an earphone tucked into his headset.  He spent most of his time watching movies online or playing video games.  He was the exception.   Ironically he got a big promotion.

Did anyone who called in actually take their life?  There is no way to know that.  I don't know.  We do know about some of the people whom we have saved because they call back.

Why do you say "complete" and not "commit?"  I had an English teacher who taught us Latin roots.  COM means "with" and MIT means "thread."  So for me it means to follow through with something with no indication of outcome, and it also has negative psychiatric connotations such as committing someone.  COMPLETE means "with" and "full."  It means to fully perform the task rather than follow a thread.  It is just my preference. 

Have you ever answered the phone and known the caller?  Six times.  That's why some of us with unique names take on a pseudonym.  I also answered the phone three times and saw that the callers lived a few blocks from my house.  The first thing I do when a call comes in is to type the number into our program.  If the caller has called before, a record of their previous calls will come up.  That way I can better help them by reading about their call history.  I also reverse search their number in an attempt to get an address in case the call becomes a medical emergency. 

Have you ever gotten any prank calls?  All the time.  Mostly teenagers.  I listen carefully to the background sounds of every call because those sounds can reveal a lot about the caller.  If I hear a dog or cat for instance, I can use that knowledge later in the call as a "Protective Factor."  I also listen for giggling or someone else whispering in the background.  Many prank callers aren't prepared to answer questions and you can hear a friend in the background helping with the answers.  After a while you get to know when someone is truly depressed, in crisis or prank calling.  Their tone and answer content doesn't lie.  Despite that, we treat every call as a real call.  Once we discern that it is a prank, we politely end the call because a real caller may be trying to get through.  As much fun as some of them are, we have to keep the lines open.

What is a protective factor? A reason to live.  A person who owns a pet may not kill themselves because they are concerned about what would happen to their pet if they were no longer around to care for them.  Other protective factors are family, friends, someone who is with them at the time of the call, the fact that they called, plans for the future or even religious beliefs that forbid suicide.  Listening carefully to the caller is important to help identify these factors for and to them.  It is also important to weigh these against any existing "Risk Factors" such as previous attempts, the means are there, the intent is strong, any kind of loss the caller is concerned with such as a relationship, job or poor health.  Many callers will consider suicide because of seemingly insignificant concerns but,those are usually the "final straw" and not the real problem.

How do you know the identity of the person calling?  We have caller ID but we also ask the caller for their first name.  If they don't want to give one, we tell them it is okay but I then ask for a fake name.  I like to call a person by a name throughout their call.   I think it is important to call people by name.   If they block their caller ID information, that is okay.  I once had a woman use a fake name and before she ended the call, she shared with me her real name.  That was very touching to me.

Do you ever call 911 on a person contemplating suicide?  It was our office policy not to.  Other suicide hotlines may vary.  We would call 911 if we had permission or the person lapsed into a non-responsive state.  We call those "medical emergency" calls.

Do you ever get depressed after talking to people and hearing about all their problems?  I don't.  I have the ability to drop and forget everything after each call.  I can answer each call fresh and new with every person who reaches out to us.  Our supervisors are always available to talk and debrief us if needed.  Once my supervisor was listening in on a call, for quality control, and after the call she came over to ask if I wanted to talk about the caller.  She was even teary eyed.  I have a good genetic self defense mechanism and can let things go.  It has always been easy for me to forgive and forget.  In "Star Trek: Into Darkness," Spock elegantly waxes about how his choice not to feel does not imply that he is cold.  On the contrary, he chooses not to feel because he feels too much.  Maybe that is me.

How come you lost your funding?  People don't think suicide is important or is as pervasive as it really is. Write your congressman!  A suicide center is not a money making business and our office was unable to sustain itself in this economy.  You need space, phones, computers, internet, IT personnel, heat, electricity, software, supervisors, people to train volunteers, people to seek and screen volunteers.  There is a lot of overhead that most people are not aware of.  It is not just a phone line.  Although, I do currently answer a hotline for a prison organization and they provide the phone.  It is more laid back, the calls are not recorded and no records are kept.  I am just there to  offer support and listen.  Write your law makers asking them to support these services.  There is a large portion of our population who are either depressed, struggling, thinking about suicide, or wish they were dead.  It's a sin that we are not there to help them while congress can vote themselves raises. 

Why would you record a call?  Quality assurance and training.  Each and every call is totally confidential.  No data, information or recording leaves our office.  Supervisors listen to the recordings so they can provide feedback to us in an effort to improve our service to the callers.    We also write up reports about the call so that other people who answer the phones can read the reports both for learning purposes and in case that person ever calls back.  The information from previous calls can help to steer the conversation especially if the caller is quiet and reserved. 

If someone calls after ten pm and you're not there, what happens? It gets routed to another suicide hotline office.  It is all automated.  The National Suicide Prevention Lifeline is 24/7. 

Do you ever get a caller who doesn't want to kill themselves but needs to talk?  All the time.  Most callers have ambivalence (both + strength), that's why they call because they don't want to die.  All of our callers are going though some kind of emotional pain and don't know how to make it stop.  They do have the strength and courage to call for help.  We are there to get them through the moment.

Do you get people who harm themselves in other ways such as cutting?  All the time.  Especially teenagers.  I don't know where they get this idea of cutting.  Many people think that the pain of physical cutting will take away their emotional pain.  I ask many of these callers that the next time they want to hurt themselves, instead of hitting, cutting or biting, try holding an ice cube in their hand.  They will get the pain and not scar or bruise or bleed.  It does not solve their problem but ameliorates the symptom of wanting to feel pain without doing permanent damage.  We often ask people if they want referrals to support groups, counselors, hospitals or mental health agencies. 

SUICIDE

I used to answer two suicide hotlines in both a volunteer and paid capacity.  Because of this experience, I often get many people in various social circles asking me questions about suicide.  Usually it is about "a friend" but I have sometimes found that third party queries can be personal.  In those cases, I would quickly turn the question around and ask the person questioning me if they have ever thought about suicide themselves, then, take their question from there as it pertains to the "friend." 

When I first began my training, I was asked if I knew anyone who attempted suicide and I didn't.  After the training, I realized that I had indeed known over 15 people who attempted suicide or completed the act.  How quickly the living can forget.  That is something the people contemplating suicide are rarely aware of.  One of them was a priest friend whom I had lunch with every Sunday for 25 years as I went in to do volunteer work at the VA Hospital.  He had written some not very flattering anonymous letters about the sexual proclivities of our Bishop, who then found out who wrote them and called my friend, Fr. Minkler, in from his vacation to sign documents stating that he didn't write the aforementioned letters.  As I met with Fr. John that Sunday afternoon, I was running late and we skipped lunch.  He told me that he was having problems and he asked me to pray for him.  I told him that I would and then went on my oblivious and preoccupied way.  He completed suicide that night and I was most likely that last person to speak with him.

There are many reasons people think about suicide.  Here are just a few.
A teen who identifies as homosexual and has homophobic parents; or he discovers that his religious faith forbids and condemns it or him; he may witness or is the recipient of bullying and persecution at school.  Ironically, our mainstream society is indeed very tolerant and unflinching about the topic.  It is the intolerant religious groups, media, politicians, parents worried about their child's future happiness and people who protest too much who are the real problems.

There have also been parents who lost their job and they see no hope of obtaining employment in the future and they think that the only way to provide for their children is to kill themselves for the insurance money.  Some people think they are a burden and their family would be better off without them.

Someone who was hurt and betrayed by someone they love and thinks that completing suicide will "show them" or get even.  Teens think this way quite often.  Sometimes a call for help can go unheard one too many times.

There are many people who are intolerably lonely and may feel friendless, lost or ostracized.   Each long day is a struggle to get through.  Sleep is their only relief from the pain of loneliness.

Another caller may be someone who was arrested.  It isn't the remorse for the crime which can make them think about suicide.  Restorative justice can easily resolve any wrongs they've committed and they know this and would gladly put things right given the opportunity.  It is the shame of getting arrested.  Then, maybe losing their job because of it, losing friends, the feeling that they've shamed their family and are facing an uncertain future with expensive courts, lawyers, prison and legal proceedings.  This is our punitive and unforgiving society at its best.

There are many people who suffer from biological, prescription or event  created depression.  I've had many people who witnessed something horrific such as military personnel, who then don't know how to deal with their experience.

Some people are in tremendous physical pain and see no relief or hope in their future.  Many of these people are trapped in a downward spiral of addiction to prescription drugs where either the drugs have no effect anymore or weaning off of them is intolerable. Doctors are quick to try other drugs or mix and match a cocktail of them.  This doesn't always resolve the dependency. 

The one thing to remember is when someone calls, they are not looking for somebody to fix their problems or give them a solution or tell them what to do.  They are looking for someone to be there and to listen.  To help them get through the moment.  To be a friend.

During my first few days of answering the phone, every time it rang I was terrified.  The key though, was in remembering that the caller was looking to get through the moment.  To live another day.  And, I was there to only listen.  To steer them into their pain of the now.

I had a caller who had a gun and was intent upon shooting himself.  I asked him to put the gun down so that we could talk.  He did.  Later in the conversation I asked him to take the bullets out.  He did.  I then asked him to place the bullets in another room and put the gun away in a separate room, which he did.  We then had a very long conversation.   At the end of the call, I invited him to call back tomorrow to let me know how he was doing and he said he would think about it.  He did call back the next day but got a different suicide specialist.  He wanted to thank me for saving his life and told the other suicide specialist that after he hung up with me, he was going to follow through with killing himself.  What saved him was his promise to call me back the next day.  His word and promise was more important to him than all the problems he was going through.  Making dinner, getting a full nights sleep and getting up the next morning was enough for him to be glad he was still alive.  I didn't fix his problems, but I did get him through the moment and gave him something to look forward to.

I had a frequent caller who kept a bottle of vodka and prescription pills under her bed.  That was how she was going to do it.  Her problems were many and she didn't want to complete suicide, but she did want to die.  Her life held no joy.  I once convinced her to pour the Vodka down the drain.  She continued to call to both check in and to make sure we were still here for her.  She would call sometimes just to say hi.  I would ask her if she was thinking about suicide today and she said yes, but wasn't going to do it.  Then, on cue, she would tell me what she was going to do for the rest of the day to get through it and we'd hang up.  One day she procured a new bottle of vodka and called us.  She got a new person on the phone who panicked at the fact that she had the means and the intent so, he called 911.  The police went to her home, broke down her door, put her in handcuffs, the neighbors all came out, the lights were flashing and they then transported her to a mental institution where she had to remain for three or four days of observation.  We never heard from her again.

There are many right and wrong things to say to a caller.  Trust me, some callers will let you know when you say the wrong thing.  They can either blow up at you, insult you, or hang up the phone.  The irony is that all the wrong things to say are very natural to us.  They include things like,
"I'm sorry."
"Let me tell you what happened to me."
"I know exactly how you feel." 
"The same thing happened to my sister." 
"This is what I would do." 

It is uncomfortable for many of us to not be able to help someone fix their problems.  It is our nature and desire to fix people but in reality, it drives us further from the person seeking help.  A caller calls because they want to talk.  The more talking we do, the less they get to.  The more we talk about ourselves, the less they get to talk about their problem.

Sometimes a caller is silent and that can be very uncomfortable for us because we feel like we have to say something to fill the void, when in reality, just being there is enough.  One caller told me that she didn't want to talk.  She just wanted to know that somebody was there.  Some of my callers had their greatest breakthroughs in the silence.  Silence was my greatest tool in my suicide toolbox.

Here are a few questions I would ask a caller to get the conversation started.  The next time someone shares a problem with you, and it doesn't have to be about suicide, resist the natural urge to wallow in their complaints or fix them and their problems.  The hard part is to just listen and steer them into their pain.  When they can talk about what is bothering them, they can begin to heal.  Try these and see where the conversation goes.  Notice that these questions, comments and concerns get the other person to talk more and you, less.  The key lies in truly listening and caring.  Only then can you hear the subtle cues as to what to ask next for, one answer can open up a dozen more questions and comments from you. The questions may be:
What would you like to talk about today?
How have you been dealing with that?
You said that this problem has been bothering you, what is most difficult?
Tell me what happened when . . .
Say more about . . .
What is it that you want from . . .
It sounds like that is very difficult to deal with.
How did they make our feel?
Tell me more about how feeling ___ is like for you.
It is not always comfortable talking to someone about these things but take your time.  I'm here to listen and support you (after a prolonged silence).
Have you told anyone how you're feeling?
What do you think you can do?
What may stand in your way of . . .
What support options do you have?
You sound like you are in a lot of pain (note, that's not a question).
Does anything trigger that?
Where do you direct your anger?
Have you been trying to stop?
How did you feel when . . .
What kind of coping techniques do you use?
What can you do right not to take your mind off of . . .

As you can see, those questions get the caller to talk about what is bothering them.  But, that is just the tip of the iceberg.  After establishing rapport, defining the problem, exploring their feelings, I would come right out and ask them if they were thinking about suicide today, if they haven't already told me.  I would also come right out and ask them if they have a plan, a time, the means, or if they ever tried it in the past.  At this point they are very comfortable admitting anything.   Even that they are standing at a river's edge or there is a gun in their lap.

When I feel that they are safe for the moment, I would get them to make plans for after we end the call.  These are called distracting activities.  At this point I know quite a bit about the caller and can make suggestions if they are at a loss at coming up with their own.  They may include: 
Calling or visiting someone
Exercise, going for a walk or ride a bike.
Go shopping.
Watch TV.
Cook or eat something they enjoy.
Play with a pet.
Create something with art or music, a letter or a journal, meditate or take a shower.
Go outside and take pictures.
Clean the house.
Etcetera. 

The fact that someone calls us in the first place and is willing to talk about suicide shows that they have ambivalence and that is a great way to start.

There are hundreds of suicide hotlines.  Many are funded and staffed through schools and colleges.  Unfortunately they may have limited hours, are open mostly during the day or not on the weekends.  The National Suicide Prevention Lifeline (NSPL) is seven days a week, twenty four hours a day.  Their toll free and anonymous number is 1-800-273-TALK (8255).

"Like" NSPL on FaceBook (FB is also a source of depression for many people, BTW).  Blog about NSPL.  Print out their cards and leave them around schools, the library, at work, in your church, on bulletin boards, on coffee tables, on store shelves, anywhere where people are.   Keep the toll free number on your cell phone so when you encounter someone with a problem, ask them if they would like to speak with someone about it then pass them your phone. Check out the NSPL website to learn more:  
https://www.suicidepreventionlifeline.org

Suicide should not be a secret.  Are you thinking about suicide today?

-Malcolm Kogut.

Playing with Soul

"Tell me a fact, and I'll learn. Tell me a truth, and I'll believe. But tell me a story, and it will live in my heart forever."
- Steve Sabol, President of NFL Films.

One of the most difficult questions someone once asked me was about what I planned to do in the future to further improve or educate myself musically.  I knew the answer existed but I could not then delineate it.  A second difficult question was "How do I learn to play with soul?"

About ten years ago a convergence of events and opportunities presented themselves to me.  I was musically stuck and I thought I achieved all I could achieve.  I was energized for growth but seemed to lack the tools, colleagues and inspiration thereof.  I started looking for a new job.  I was also working for a cleric who was not a very good human being on so many levels.  When we were converting the rectory basement to a youth meeting room the contractor found decaying asbestos hanging from the pipes and he wouldn't take the job.  A new contractor was found for the job and he surprisingly didn't find any asbestos.  Hmmph.  Then when we purchased a building to expand our parking lot, there was asbestos found in the basement and the bid to remove the asbestos and demolish the structure was $80,000.  The bid from a second contractor who didn't find any asbestos was only $30,000.  Praise Jesus the church didn't incur any additional expense for apocryphal asbestos removal and, in sixty years when our children develop lung cancer, well, there will probably be a cure.  Praise Jesus again. So, who is the greater monster; someone who is, for instance on the sex offender registry for urinating in public (that pervert) or a cleric who discernibly hurt no one?  To think major industrial companies got away with these activities for decades.

I was at the height of my then musical skill yet at the lowest in inspiration, I continued working and going through the motions but still did not sense growth.  I didn't know why.  I still did my job to the best of my abilities and even have a letter from the Bishop's office stating that I had the best music program in the whole diocese.  Something was still missing.  It was then when I gave up my pursuit of music that I began to grow.  I had another "cease and desist" about five years later, another about a year after that and I am ascending the precipice of one right now.  The less I did in search of soul through discipline and structure, the more I found it.  I played the Broadway Tour production of "Les Miserables" and there was an inspirational line sung by the unholy trio of Jean Valjean the convict, Fantine the prostitute and the lying Bishop: "To love another person is to see the face of God." 

When you go to college and immerse yourself in books, lectures and study, you come out with knowledge, inspiration, drive, energy and maybe even technique.  Much of that is rooted in academia and, it is good.

I then started volunteering answering two suicide hotlines. I would spend hours listening to a caller's struggle with drug abuse, addiction, homelessness, joblessness, arrest, domestic and sexual abuse.  Many of my callers were feeling lost, alone, forsaken, abandoned or ostracized.  I quickly realized that these were normal, ordinary people all of us would encounter on the streets, in our homes, in our churches, our neighborhoods or in the stores on an everyday basis.  When a caller was reticent to allow me to steer them into their pain, I could keep them on the line and safe from harming themselves by talking about music, hiking, religion or travel; Anything we had in common.  It was easy for me to let go of all that pain and stress when I hung up.  I would also go home and practice the piano, go to a rehearsal, or study the Gospel readings for Sunday.  I would sometimes talk about the pain in the world to my music friends, church friends or hiking buddies while on a trail.  It was my form of debriefing and, I would play the piano with the life of others on my mind.

While keeping vigil at a homeless shelter for men, I would sometimes talk to the guys late at night and discover that many of them were once professionals, family men and dreamers.  Some of these peripatetics were running from a past, a future, a crime or just wandering hoping for a break.  Interestingly, many of them were very spiritual. We would talk of hiking, travel, music, religion, carpentry or plumbing.  One once sat at the piano and ripped off some ragtime.  Another 20 year old sat in a corner with his guitar, composing a tune.  I would then go to my church the next morning to prepare for my weekly recital where I would spend the day alone in the church with music - pondering the many wonderful stories I just heard and shared.

I taught GED classes for about two years.  Many of the students were in their early 20's and dropped out of school because of drugs, gangs, arrest, to be providers to their baby's momma, or they had unstable family lives and were kicked out of their homes.  Most all of them were very smart - such as the drug dealers and gang members and not only in the street sense.  Their math skills surpassed mine, especially in the metric system (how drugs are measured).  The women who gave birth in their teens had a tenacity, ferociousness, courage and work ethic which could only have been borne out of being thrust into adulthood at an early age, like gold tested in fire.  There is an earthy difference between one of those moms as opposed to someone who went to college, started a career, then planned and prepared to have a baby and start a family.  A common denominator for all these people was the copiousness of music.  It was sinuously networked throughout their life from listening, jamming on a stoop, in a car, in an alley or dancing in the street.  They could recite thousands of lyrics because it was how they communicated and communed.

I recently "purchased" through a donation to PBS  the complete five disc set of the Ed Sullivan Show and three discs containing footage from the original Woodstock concert.  The musicians were young kids, uneducated in music theory, harmony and technique. However, they were musicians with talent and confidence most of us could only dream of achieving in a lifetime.  Why is that?  Because music was the fabric of their lives.  They ate it, drank it and slept it (and smoked it).  Music was part of their social landscape. They made music on stoops, in fields, in cars, living rooms, basements, garages, jail cells and to escape their parents.  Then one day someone would say "Let's start a band" and the rest is history.  Music wasn't their goal in life, it was the inspiration thereof.  They didn't have time to study it because they were living it.  Their teachers were not professors in a classroom, but practitioners who were doing it. Music then became a tool to educate others about the evils of legislation, war, poverty, persecution, prejudice, dumping of pollutants (like asbestos) . . . every struggle in life which created, BTW, good music.  They suffered oppression, suppression and arrest, then they sang about it.  A great example would be Arlo Guthrie's "Alice's Restaurant."

The early African slaves sang in the field to pass time, to keep time, to remember stories from time long ago, to pray for salvation and to surreptitiously speak in code right under the noses of their white masters.  Early Jews and Christians sang songs around campfires to remember history, impart lessons and share stories of the wonderful deeds of God such as the parting of the Reed Sea and saving the oppressed, the story of Adam and Eve and original sin, The Christmas Story and the death of the Holy Innocents, Noah and the great flood which eradicated evil from the earth, etcetera. 

My most favorite church service of the entire year is the Easter Vigil Mass, starting with the magnificent Exultet extolling the power of God, all sung by firelight.  Then there are several more stories accompanied by songs again, all by firelight.  Done properly and in its entirety, this service could take up to four hours.  Most churches cut it down to one and a half to two.  Praise Jesus - but not for four hours.  WWJD.

At this stage in my life I don't need to study music as I did in my youth.  Despite continuing to do so because there is much I want to do but can't, I found that there are other things which can improve my "soul."   The music is already in me and around me, under rocks and in the wood. I need to work at being a conduit between instrument, God and people.  A trinity within the thin-spaces.  It is not enough to study music, to make music or to share music.  Music is an expression of life and that is where its growth lies: in the pain, struggle, joy, excitement and transformation of one another.  For, out of what we live and we believe, our lives become the music that we weave.